The one and only.

One of the lunch conversations I had with a group is very interesting. I wouldn’t say I participated because most of the time I listened, absorbing what was said and shared. One asked why are most men never contented with having only one partner. Why do they always find the opportunity to have more than one, and why is one never enough.

Another shared that no matter how much a man preys, at the end of the day he goes home to one and only one woman, and that’s the woman he truly loves – despite all the other women he may or may not be fooling around with. What surprised me is that that statement seemed agreeable among them. Maybe that’s true; but personally I don’t think any woman should let herself be that kind of woman. The kind who knows her man is out preying yet tries to be fine with it as long as he comes home to her every night.

Unless she is completely fine with the fact of not being the only one, either because she is also doing the same thing, or they have come to an agreement that that’s how the relationship is going to be like and both parties are completely okay with that. But how many of you truly are the only one, because how many out there are truly that “loyal”?

I only have two theories I believe in when it comes to a situation like this: 1) never think you’re worth less than what you truly deserve, 2) don’t generalise – women do so too.

I think I’ve said this before; most men look for physical satisfaction elsewhere but women, they look for emotional contentment elsewhere. That’s probably why most women are more willing to endure with that kind of situation, because they believe that as long as they are still the one their partner loves then it’s fine.

I wouldn’t say if you love someone, you stop looking. Because that kind of love simply does not exist. Can a person really be with another and have a relationship that lasts till death without having the slightest urge or attraction towards someone else? I don’t think so.

Which is why I don’t believe in forever. Most people get into a relationship wanting it to last forever, they immediately throw everything else away and invest all they’ve got into it. That’s how things go wrong and people get hurt. Relationships are just like careers; some do the same thing for 20 years then one day realise it’s not what they wanted. Some change jobs every few years to have a fresh taste. Some keep the job for the sake of surviving. Same concept applied.

Another mentioned that every relationship hits the wall at a certain point, that’s when two people should take the next step. Marriage, followed by kids, followed by raising them and so on. Someday, they are gonna run out of a next step, don’t you think so? Then what? Which is why I think everything is like a life routine for most people.

At a certain point they see it as the time to get married. Because that’s what people do, they reach a certain age and they think it’s time. It’s more of like what the society expects of them. I would never do that for the sake of doing it. Marriage does not guarantee anything, it can fall apart anytime – as quick as a relationship without the paper. So why do some think that by tying the knot, things are more secured?

I believe in living for the moment, taking each day as it comes and not worrying too much about how things are going to turn out years from now, even days. In most relationships, someone always ends up getting hurt. It’s only a matter of when and how, and who. So why not just have a good time, and see where that leads you and I? It’s only love.

Open relationships.

When someone says open relationship, people immediately go “Geez they are together but they are also having sex with other people“. They get all these ideas they find disgusting and they instantly start to judge. What they probably never thought of is that the term open relationship, it can be very subjective. It’s not like friends with benefits, the term people use for two individuals who are only friends but they are sexually involved – no strings attached kind of thing. Even then, benefits can be subjective. Why does it have to be sex?

To me, an open relationship is actually a pretty ideal form of a bond. Each individual can build their own definitions because whoever said there are hard rules to it? The way I see it, open means there is always room for improvement or changes. There is space for two individuals to grow individually, although they are an item. These two people are allowed to do the things they want and like, without the other interfering or trying to dictate the situation.

Just because you are in a relationship it does not mean you’re not allowed to keep your options open. It’s like saying you ordered a bad soup, and you must finish it no matter what – even if it gives you a bad stomachache after, or makes you throw up. But, it would be much simpler if you just decide to order something else and be happy about it. Simply because, why not?

I can’t remember when exactly, but maybe about a year into our relationship, I remember telling my partner that if he ever no longer feels the same or if he meets someone new, all he has to do is let me know. I know it makes me look like I’m unfeeling but I think things like these are very simple. It’s either you are in or you are out. I think that doesn’t complicate things, y’know?

An open relationship is one where you are entitled to make new friends and meet people, your social life and your lifestyle – they don’t really need to change. I know people who no longer go out without their respective partners the moment they stepped into a relationship. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, maybe they are happy that way. But the question is, for how long? I know people who talk 24/7 with their partners, maybe they enjoy it that way. But the question again is, for how long?

When I see couples who are never separated, I feel suffocated for them – that’s how bad it is. Back in University, I met my partner almost every day but that’s only during class hours. People think we spend all day together when in fact, we don’t. We may seem like we hang out together a lot, all the time – but the truth is, we have ample time and space for other things that do not involve each other and I see that as a good thing. I think he hangs out with his peers and friends more than he does with me and I find that okay. Because I’m someone who needs a lot of space. So it’s a win-win situation.

An open relationship also means you are allowed to find other people good looking. The “rule” you should not be attracted to anyone else is just insane. Attraction does not always lead to cheating, it does not always lead to sex. Believe me, I can tell when my partner checks other girls out and sometimes, I can even tell before he realises it. And I find that part of the fun, I tell him which guys I find attractive too. I guess it’s this trust, some sort of openness, or secured feeling of some sort, that we have with each other.

To me, that’s an open relationship. A relationship where you are at your most comfortable because it does not feel like you are tied down. A partnership which does not revolve around only the partnership itself, because that’s just ridiculous. An open relationship like what I have just described can be just as solid as any other forms of relationship. There is still as much love, as much respect.

Strangers, again.

Came across this really good video on YouTube.

If you’re currently in a relationship, what stage do you think you are in? Do you believe that a stage could last and not escalate into the next one till the end? Every love story starts off passionate and fiery. Every relationship makes a person skip a heartbeat in the beginning. That is to show us that there is something special going on with someone special.

Things will eventually turn into normalcy. That, I agree. You can’t have butterflies in your stomach forever. However when things have started to mellow down, it doesn’t mean the relationship is definitely going downhill. Sometimes we get used to the company of one another that we no longer feel the necessity to watch our every move or word to impress the other person.

Being comfortable isn’t necessarily bad, it’s when we can truly be ourselves. But it depends on what you do with that comfort.

It’s true; I think my relationship has without doubt reached its comfort zone and at times, I’ll admit maybe we do take each other for granted. And that’s alright, as long as we are still reminded of who we are and who the person we fell in love with is. Some require more trying than others but I would say it’s not impossible.

Don’t you think it’s sad that something so beautiful can change into something awful as portrayed in the video?

This is the trailer, because I want to share this song with you but it’s played only in the trailer:

And here’s the original song by Kina Grannis:

I love the lyrics. It is really sad though.

You once whispered words to me
Wondering if anybody loved each other like we do

I’m waiting for you to finally say you’re here and here to stay
But darling, if you know that it’s through
You can’t keep doing what you do
If it’s time to let go of you

Living together.

I came across this news article on a research done on cohabitation. Women volunteered love as a reason to live together three times as often as men but men mentioned sex four times more often than the women. Reference: Article

You can’t apply it to everyone in general, I am aware that this research was done on a certain sample size so it doesn’t reflect every male and female.

What I’d like to say is my personal point of view, so this is not to say what is right and what is wrong. Just so we’re clear, there is no right or wrong; you make the justifications yourself and no one can tell you to think/do otherwise.

The article mentioned that many males take living together as some sort of “test drive”, where they get sex as well as a feel of how it’s like to stay with his partner. It’s almost like a no strings attached scenario – they are not married so there’s no legal binding between them. If things don’t turn out as expected then they split up. Sounds like a pretty fair deal, don’t you think?

Most females on the other hand, see it as a stepping stone where they are a step closer to marriage, to till death do us part. Which makes sense, why would women agree to sex on a regular basis (living together enhances the amount, definitely) if it does not mean they are getting a little more serious?

What I’m saying is not a generalisation, some females are perfectly okay with the thought of regular sex with her partner or maybe even partners, and they are not looking for the idea of settling down. AND I’m not saying it’s wrong, why is it wrong anyway?

So what do you think about cohabitation? What I think is that at my age (21yo), it’s too young to take that step. (Again, personal view). Not because I think it is wrong, not because I’m old-fashioned that I think only people who are legally married should be sharing a room, but I think the biggest determinant factor is space.

I love my room and I love having it all to myself. Everywhere I see – is filled with my things. I’d dread at the idea of having to clear half of my personal space so that someone else can have it. Sharing a room with another person is also very privacy-reducing. Maybe it’s just me, I don’t know if you feel the same.

Also, it’s not easy to be able to adapt to a person’s style of living. I’m very particular when it comes to hygiene and neatness. Everyone is bound to be agitated at some point or another when there’s more than one person living in one room, that I can assure you of. Unless you’re someone who doesn’t give a rat’s ass about how your room’s condition is, that is.

You will most probably be sharing a toilet too, and that just might be the most sensitive issue. I dislike stepping into a wet toilet, I dislike sitting on a wet toilet seat, I dislike seeing the mirror filled with water/steam, I like having my things in the washroom placed exactly where I left them.

Well maybe I’m not an easy person to live with, but I’m sure every individual has his/her preferences and although theirs might not be as fussy as mine – it’s just not that simple to just move in with someone, even if it’s someone you’ve known for years. Someone once said, you never truly know how/what a person is like until you have lived with him/her.

That’s exactly my point; you think you know a person in and out but the truth is that you don’t. A person’s style of living reveals a lot about the personality and attitude and that’s something they can’t hide because they don’t feel the need to conceal them at the comfort of their own home. That’s when you can really see a person’s true colours.

Just like my take on marriage at the age of early 20s. Not very wise, perhaps. However some people do live a long and happy life with their partners although they had an early marriage. Some also do turn out to be blissfully happy couples although they decided to cohabit at a young age.

All I’m saying is, it’s not for everyone. You gotta decide which will suit you better, never make a hasty decision due to pressure, or even an amazing relationship can go down the drain due to a small choice on whether to cohabit or marry too soon.

Commitment.

Commitment can be said as the underpinning of a solid relationship. Commitment is exigent. But what commitment really is? To me, it is subjective. It can be delineated and justified in so many distinct ways yet people fail to see that. Commonly people see commitment as what their partners should not do – consistent with their own rules and likings.

So what breaks the “commitment rule”? Merely communicating & associating with the opposite sex? Taking pictures with the opposite sex? Hanging out with the opposite sex? To me, all of that do not symbolise commitment at all. I can comprehend why people might have incongruous outlooks but what I don’t understand is why they are so distressed with the commitment of others and their relationships/partners.

Dedication does not mean letting go of all other aspirations and dreams to focus on one thing (in this case, the relationship). It cleanly means one is proficient in dividing equal time for every aspect and at the same time – things are working out good. Commitment does not mean doing and executing actions/decisions exclusively to make the other party happy (in this case, the partner). It simply means he/she has your best interest at heart and will not do things that he/she thinks will sadden his/her partner.

But like I said, commitment is subjective. It is ambiguous. What seems to be valid/rationale to one person may not look the same for the other person. How do we undertake that? That is for the two individuals to figure out. And what commitment is; is definitely, entirely up to the two individuals together to define.

Here’s to you.

To those who have hurt, to those who have been through pain and despair, to those who have been lied and cheated on, here’s to you.

You may think the world is dark and there’s no place for you. Truth is, there’s a place for each of us and that’s for us to make.

You may be angry, hurt, sad, and bitter. You could scream and yell, curse and cry, sob and break down, but deep down you know it will not change a thing.

You’ve done enough to please others, you’ve said enough to play nice. Maybe it is time for you to find time for yourself, to go that extra mile for yourself.

Maybe someone did hurt you, maybe someone did treat you like trash. You can’t deny the fact that you’ve done the same to one person or more.

But let go of all the frustration and anger, flush out your disappointment.

It’s time to move on.

They say there’s at least five people in this entire world who love you truthfully and would hate to see you hurt because it hurts them too. I think it’s a lie.

I think every person has more than five people who love and care for them deeply.

So don’t give up.

The choice is yours to make, so make one that you will not regret in years to come. Make one that will make you smile someday, knowing that you did the right thing.

Sex & feelings.

Men cheat because of sex. Women on the other hand, usually feelings. That’s what the statistics say.

Women usually associate with emotional cheating while men, physical cheating.

That is why women are usually more forgiving because men wander for something new. Only certain cases involve the man actually developing feelings for the third party.

I’ve seen countless women giving chances after chances to their spouses when the infidelity comes to light. I for one, cannot imagine how the pain and hurt must feel like.

However, I believe that some things – they are not accidents. They are silly mistakes that were made out of decisions that, were made out of the human mind.

So those who cheated did so out of a conscious mind and therefore, this is one of the things that does not deserve another shot. Some may say it happened out of the effects of alcohol hence maybe some deserve to be given the opportunity to learn from their mistake and not repeat it.

Well I guess you could say that.

Or, you could find someone else who will not cross that boundary. But you know, if I were to go through a situation like that I’d never give it another thought. We never have to be stuck to one person forever.

I think I can say that I wouldn’t be angry. If I ever find out about something like that, I’ll be glad I did.  I don’t get people who rather live in a lie and pretend to be happy. I don’t see the purpose of wanting to work things that are already done.

A lot of people deserve much better. If only they could see that, and want better for themselves.