I never really knew what I want.
My grandma is the happiest when she is surrounded by her children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. And I noticed the same with the rest of my family members, they are happiest with their respective partners and families. There’s this glow you see in their faces, this sparkle you see in their eyes.
It makes me wonder if I should change my perspective. I’ve always had this thought about myself, where I am perfectly fine and can be absolutely happy without needing another person to contribute to that because I believe happiness comes from within oneself, and all you need is be able to make yourself happy. Not to let other people or things to be the reason why you’re happy because when that person/thing leaves or disappears, then you’d be left with sadness and hurt.
My mum is the happiest when she’s doing something for or with her children and family. My dad is the happiest when he’s in the comfort of his own home, with his family. And most of the time, I don’t see myself doing that. It’s not that I am not family-oriented; it’s not that I do not love my family. I deeply and sincerely do, however I have never had the plan to make having a family my career.
That’s what I see in most people I know, they have this vision where they find someone they want to spend the rest of their lives with, they want to get married, have children, and grow old together. Is it bad that I never thought of it as a priority? This Chinese New Year changed my view drastically, I see the joy in their eyes, and I asked myself if I really could be happy without all of that.
Someone once told me, my thoughts would eventually change as I age. Maybe that person was right after all – I’m questioning myself right now. Perhaps I’ve been too afraid of being attached to people because I’m afraid of the outcome. I don’t want to face it if I were to come across disappointment or overwhelming emotions. I see it as a form of weakness, and so I learned to always have a filter, this wall that would protect me from any emotional harm. I wonder if this is some sort of disorder.
Am I too strong for a girl, too tough for a woman, too hard for a lady? I’ve never thought of it as something wrong – to be completely independent and emotionally composed. Someone once said, a career isn’t going to hug you to sleep on a cold, rainy night. Maybe someday I would want to have someone who will make my knees go weak, someone I would want to go that extra mile for.
My best friend told me it is not possible to never be emotionally involved with a person you have feelings for. You may be able to do so with one, maybe two, but not all of them. You will eventually find someone who will make you wonder, maybe this will be different. That one person who can give you a whirlwind of emotions, the one who can make you smile without even having to try.
Someone you’d like to bring home to meet your parents and family, someone who can see you at your lowest without you feeling embarrassed about it. Maybe someday I would meet someone like that, and I wouldn’t hesitate to break down that wall of mine, or give it my all.
And I’ll tell myself, I’d risk it because what if this is worth it?
